ohstarryeyed | Thoughts/Notes on 'The Chicago Underground'. [locked against CLF]

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Thoughts/Notes on 'The Chicago Underground'. [locked against CLF]

Sometimes, writing everything out makes me feel better. My head is getting kinda dizzy.

When I read this.. well, it's some kind of weird unknown journal, The Chicago Underground or something. But yeah... when I read it, I only just realised how complicated this city is. I always kinda stayed out of Politics back home, but this is... it's just so much more here. This is something I never really thought I'd be able to imagine, let alone comprehend.

I thought the Rift was my main problem here in Chicago, dealing with powers I don't really want. I mean, I can guess how people might find turning invisible, making these pitch black smog screens and making shadow animals fascinating or whatever. But sometimes, I.. I just don't see the point. I didn't ask for them and I've never really wanted them, but I can't really do anything about it. I have to deal with them, I guess.

But no, that's not my main worry any more.

The whole angels and demons thing as well as the CLF.. it's really scary. It's like.. on top of everything.. there's some kind of war going on. Everyone's just fighting for so many different things. This is serious... this is... it's just something I would've never ever thought about. There's just so much more that's going on here. I feel kinda stupid for not paying as much attention. I guess I've just been scared of stuff, maybe. But right now, I just get the feeling that Wanderers are getting caught up in angels' and demons' wars and I'm worried for everyone. Most of the people I know, the people who're my friends in this city, are Wanderers and I really worry for them. I really do.

I don't even know what I'm saying any more. This.. this just sucks so bad.

I just wish people would stop fucking fighting. I'm just so, so tired now.

Also... I don't know what a 'Neqa'el' is... erm. Firsts is something familiar... is a Neqa'el like, the demon version of a First or something?

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I sort of know a bit about what Callings are like. I felt one once. So it's okay if you can't explain. And if you have that towards killing people, I can understand how it's an impossible situation. Just... it's so hard to know why that would exist in the first place. I can imagine it, but then again, it doesn't seem real. Why be called to something like that? I still want to work that out.

I'm glad you're proud, though. I tend to think powers are something to be proud of. Maybe they should be proud too, even. It feels sad to say, almost, but perhaps they're doing something good too. I don't know really. I don't like war, and the pain people have to go through scares me. But I shouldn't judge what I don't know....

I know it's okay. I don't like people being killed before their time, but death's not bad itself. I'll do my best, but also, it's not the worst thing that can happen to them, I know, so... I won't beat myself up.

Or is it that you're saying that everyone's killed when it's their time? That's interesting, actually... I'd never thought of that. It seems strange because some people die so horribly. But it also makes sense, that everybody's just got a time.

How did you feel one? I don't have a calling that makes me kill people or anything, thankfully. I'm an angel of death. I help when someone is dying. I help to take pain away from them and to be with them so they're not alone. I'm not really good at explaining this stuff. Someone who's like smarter could do it better, but I don't know why we have the callings that we do. There are a lot of them that aren't fair at all, but they were made that way.

I don't know if you have to be proud of your powers or if all powers are something to be proud of. I'm lucky enough to have ones that I am proud of, but I think it's okay if you don't want to. It's not really fair to be forced to have a power that hurts you or others when you don't want it.

I'm glad you know that. Not a lot of people do, you know? And that's okay too.

I personally believe that everyone does have a time. I mean, I can see someone's death up to a week before it happens, and it's not so I can prevent them. It's so I can be there to help them when it comes. It just makes me think that it's all meant to be and set in stone.

~~Oh. I~~ ~~It was sort of like~~ ~~It's a long st~~ An angel showed me. I was curious. I sort of have powers where I can share energy with people and see stuff, so, it was that way.

And, oh, that makes sense! I was thinking I don't usually meet so many people who are okay with death. I mean, I feel like I want to stop it when it's forced on people but that's like anything. I wouldn't want to make that choice for someone, just as a human who doesn't know anything about when it's time. That's not for me. But I don't have a problem with it, as a thing. And I feel like I can never talk about it with people, they get upset.

It's really nice that you're there for people! I think that's a lovely Calling. I had someone who did that for me too, when I was dying. A spirit called Thanatos. She helped me understand a lot, and I was happy when I went because I knew it was for a good reason. I know my death was meant to be at least. That comforted me a lot, even if I had to leave people behind. I'll try and remember what you said, about people having a time. It does make sense.

I suppose it must be hard if it's a power you don't want... I guess I wouldn't want to say you had to be proud, after all. It might be better for people if they could at least work out why they have it and be okay with it though, maybe. But, not that that's easy.

Edited 2010-09-09 04:22 (UTC)

Oh! That's really, really cool. But it also must be kinda freaky to like see into other people in that way. I mean, a good freaky but I don't know. It takes a certain kind of person to be able to do that, I think. A good kind of person. :)

You can always talk about death with me. It doesn't upset me. I'm not afraid of dying. Death is forced on to most people. There are very few that seem to be ready when I'm with them in the end. They always have regrets, which is understandable.

I believe every death has a meaning. It may not mean something to the whole world, but it does mean something, you know? I don't know. I'm really not good at explaining anything unless I'm in angel-calling mode, but.

What if there is no why? Most people don't know why we're given the powers that we are. We can make our own reasons, but it's hard when you have a calling that makes you go crazy or hurt somebody to find a good reason for that, you know? It's definitely a really hard situation and stuff.

~~I think she might have thought it was a little freaky.~~ It is a good thing. When you see someone purely like that, beyond what they present themselves as, just see who they are, I think it's easy to like them often. It's really nice to know what people are like deep down inside. I don't really make a habit of it though. I use it to teach people but if you go too far it can be awkward. ~~And I don't need to fall for anyone else.~~

Is "fall for" a really bad thing to say when someone's an angel? I just thought of that. Heh. I know nothing about etiquette of angels and demons. I always think I mess it up.

It is understandable. I suppose that's what you're there for, to ease their regrets. I didn't really have any. But that's maybe because I had someone there like you.

I think so, too. It is hard to explain. But I do.

It's really hard to find a reason, but I think there's always a why. Even if it's too deep or strange for us to know. I don't know how to imagine anything else. It'd be like trying to imagine a light, but no lamp or sun to make it happen.

Um, oh and sorry to Cassie for all the philosophy and stuff I'm writing in your journal here. I'm just really interested in these things.

Yep, I can totally see how that'd be awkward. I'm kind of an open book for the most part, but there's only one person that like knows me so intimately and it took a year for that to happen. It'd be like "woah, you know so much about me and I know like nothing about you" kind of awkward.

...no? Why would it be? The thing you gotta remember about angel and demon etiquette is that it's pretty much the same as talking to anyone else! :) Also, callings can be a really touchy subject for some people and not everyone is happy to be an angel or a demon.

Yeah, I wish I could help with the regrets. Sometimes I can. Sometimes not.

Good. I'm glad you think that too.

I used to always think there was a why for everything, a reason for everything. It's harder to believe that when you've been in Chicago for so long, and you see how callings can tear people up and tear other people up.

Yeah. I mean, not that I mind sharing in return, or anything. It was just easy to get carried away. I need to be more careful.

Oh, I just thought, the word fall, you know. I know that means something different. I think the, people aren't happy to be that way thing is the hardest part for me. I understand why, in my mind. I just don't understand in my heart. I'll try and be good about it. I'm just sad it's that way I guess. It's hard to admit the idea of something touches you when other people hate it.

Yes, and it's impossible for another way to see into you like that cause they don't have that power. I'm not saying what you did is wrong or anything, but I can totally see how that'd be awkward, you know?

It does mean something different, but only like when you use it in that meaning. Most of us usually first think about falling on your face or falling in love before we think about the choice to fall and to become human again. Sometimes it's not a choice.

I think that's the hardest thing but the best thing about humanity and why I'm so glad that angels are so like humans. We can think and we can know a lot of stuff. But it's the heart that makes it all worth it, even if the heart and the mind often like get all RAWR and disagree with each other.

But only not literally cause that would be weird. But sometimes I do talk to my organs but they never talk back.

Okay, that made me seem even weirder.

I KNOW MY ORGANS AREN'T LIVING. Okay, so well, they totally ARE living, but I know that they cannot understand me or anything like that. I do not try to communicate with my organs.

Okay I am now laughing so hard.

YOU WOULD NOT BE WEIRD EVEN IF YOU DID. Okay it would be weird, but not the kind of weird I think is bad.

In short, I believe you.

OKAY LOOK. One time there was this giant monster like over a year ago back when I was still scared of things, and I thought that I was gonna pee my pants so I told my bladder to, "Stop that! I like these pants!" AND all that. I didn't expect it to listen but it did. UHM that was probably a story you didn't need to hear.

Thank you for believing me. :) And I'm glad my dorkyness could make you laugh anyway. Geeze la petez, self.

Haha, it's okay! I uh probably just told you a lot of stuff you ~~and everyone reading this~~ didn't need to hear too. I say too much. About stuff. I just get excited easily I guess.

I'm trying not to be scared of things, either. I think I'm getting a bit better. I used not to be at all but then Chicago's all different.

Of course! I have no reason not to.

I get excited pretty easily too! And I say stuff before I think about what I'm saying so. I think we're two peas in the same pod here. Two embarrassed peas.

It took me a long time to not be scared of things, but it's hard to be scared of anything when you know death as well as I do and you feel it so many times. I don't know. Not a whole lot left to be scared of, but there's still a few things that can do it.

Very embarrassed, yes. Happy. But embarrassed.

I agree. If death doesn't bother you there's only so much that's scary. I guess things worse than death mostly. But I'm learning to see the good in everything. I have a sort of mentor who's helping me with that though.

And I guess you are right about what you said below. We should probably just talk in person sometime. I don't know if you can fill up a journal but it kind of looks a bit. Something. What you said, or didn't say.

Well, it's more like I use it both ways. But it doesn't make a difference. It's still an awkward thing to put on someone. I'm still learning social stuff, I think. People here are the first time I've really made a whole ton of friends! But I make mistakes a lot. Thankfully everyone's forgiving though.

Thanks for letting me know! I just wanted to be sure.

Haha, I know what you mean though. Your head and your heart don't always say the same. I try to follow my heart. I talk to myself too and my intuition talks back sometimes. But not usually my stomach or anything. You're right, that'd be weird.

OH! Huh. It might be just a lot to know at once like WOOSH. It's like uhm. Like overwhelming I guess? I guess that's why it takes people so long to get to know each other so well normally. Otherwise, you get all overwhelmed. It's okay! I still make mistakes and I've been living in this universe for seventeen years. But people here are pretty understanding. It's true. I only really made friends once I became an angel and became part of the supernatural community with all the wanderers and demons and other angels!

No problem. :)

Yes, exactly! I usually can't really listen to my head ever, but my head gets distracted by shiny things so it's not like I can trust its opinion. I have totally talked to my stomach before and my bladder but I don't like expect them to listen or anything. I'm just a dork.

I don't learn everything or anything, that would really be a lot! I don't think we're made for that. When I was dead I could feel and see everything but that was different because I didn't have to hold it all in me, there wasn't really a me to hold in. It's more like I just feel something about what makes them who they are deep inside. Hard to explain really. It's only happened to me twice.

I guess the supernatural community as you call it is just really nice! People keep saying Chicago's full of scary people and that's sort of true (oh hey, we actually got back to the topic of Cassie's entry, heh), but I just keep meeting nice people mostly. Maybe it is just that the community's great. Everyone's so different but we all pull together so strong.

It's okay! I think I'm a dork too. If it means what I think it means, anyway.

Oh, wow, that sounds really powerful and intense. I don't know that I'd be able to really understand it even if it was easy to explain, but yeah.

They are nice here! Not everywhere. It's very true that Chicago's full of scary people. I've seen them all over, but there are a lot more not-scary people. There is a whole lot of good too. It's what you have to remember. No matter how dark Chicago gets, and it gets really dark. There's always good out there too. :)

UM. I don't know how to explain what dork means. It's like... a nerd kinda? When you're like weird and silly and stuff.

It is. It really is. I, heh, kind of fell for both of those people so I guess it kind of shows what it's like to see that.

I do try and keep hold of that. It helps so much.

I think I am pretty weird and silly. Also I read books and study a lot. I think that's a nerd right? I sort of didn't use to speak this language but when I hear words and they're kind of like in my own I sort of get it. Depends how much they're the same. So basically, yes I think it's true. Hehe.

Actually, I think I understand now. Because I'm not happy the way I am, either. I just have to think of it that way.

I'll have to think about this. But, I'm glad that you gave me something to think about. Learning is good, especially if it helps me treat others better.

Yeah, it's something like that! And if you ever wanna talk about it more like I'm usually around the Tower and stuff! I like talking! And meeting people!

Really? I helped you think and like learn and stuff? Woah, new one for me.

I'm not really the brightest crayon in the box, but I'm happy I could help! Ish! Something! :)

You really did! I'm really glad. I definitely will catch you when I can! I like talking too. As you can probably tell. Eheh.

Aw, when people say to me they don't get stuff they usually turn out to get more than they think though! And I think you do! So don't worry!

Nothing wrong with that!

That's nice of you to say! And I don't worry too much about it. I mean, I'm cool with not being very smart. I have other talents. If everyone was super smart then no one would be smart...

I should stop talking.

No. NEVER STOP. I FORBID IT. Or something.

...I think I'm just so amused I'm laughing at everything now. Thanks for this whole conversation, I've been having a weird time recently but you just made me smile a whole lot and I feel a lot better!

OKAY WELL IF YOU FORBID IT.

I should probably stop talking on Cassie's journal though cause that's I don't know. I'm filling up alllll the space here.

Really? That makes me really happy to hear! You're welcome! Thank you for talking to me too. It really makes me happy when I can do something positive for someone. :)

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Thoughts/Notes on 'The Chicago Underground'. [locked against CLF]

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[considers locking this to Cassie and Elizabeth... nah, whatever, she'll leave it public.]

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