ohstarryeyed | Thoughts/Notes on 'The Chicago Underground'. [locked against CLF]

Sometimes, writing everything out makes me feel better. My head is getting kinda dizzy.

When I read this.. well, it's some kind of weird unknown journal, The Chicago Underground or something. But yeah... when I read it, I only just realised how complicated this city is. I always kinda stayed out of Politics back home, but this is... it's just so much more here. This is something I never really thought I'd be able to imagine, let alone comprehend.

I thought the Rift was my main problem here in Chicago, dealing with powers I don't really want. I mean, I can guess how people might find turning invisible, making these pitch black smog screens and making shadow animals fascinating or whatever. But sometimes, I.. I just don't see the point. I didn't ask for them and I've never really wanted them, but I can't really do anything about it. I have to deal with them, I guess.

But no, that's not my main worry any more.

The whole angels and demons thing as well as the CLF.. it's really scary. It's like.. on top of everything.. there's some kind of war going on. Everyone's just fighting for so many different things. This is serious... this is... it's just something I would've never ever thought about. There's just so much more that's going on here. I feel kinda stupid for not paying as much attention. I guess I've just been scared of stuff, maybe. But right now, I just get the feeling that Wanderers are getting caught up in angels' and demons' wars and I'm worried for everyone. Most of the people I know, the people who're my friends in this city, are Wanderers and I really worry for them. I really do.

I don't even know what I'm saying any more. This.. this just sucks so bad.

I just wish people would stop fucking fighting. I'm just so, so tired now.

Also... I don't know what a 'Neqa'el' is... erm. Firsts is something familiar... is a Neqa'el like, the demon version of a First or something?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Yes, and it's impossible for another way to see into you like that cause they don't have that power. I'm not saying what you did is wrong or anything, but I can totally see how that'd be awkward, you know?

It does mean something different, but only like when you use it in that meaning. Most of us usually first think about falling on your face or falling in love before we think about the choice to fall and to become human again. Sometimes it's not a choice.

I think that's the hardest thing but the best thing about humanity and why I'm so glad that angels are so like humans. We can think and we can know a lot of stuff. But it's the heart that makes it all worth it, even if the heart and the mind often like get all RAWR and disagree with each other.

But only not literally cause that would be weird. But sometimes I do talk to my organs but they never talk back.

Okay, that made me seem even weirder.

I KNOW MY ORGANS AREN'T LIVING. Okay, so well, they totally ARE living, but I know that they cannot understand me or anything like that. I do not try to communicate with my organs.

Okay I am now laughing so hard.

YOU WOULD NOT BE WEIRD EVEN IF YOU DID. Okay it would be weird, but not the kind of weird I think is bad.

In short, I believe you.

OKAY LOOK. One time there was this giant monster like over a year ago back when I was still scared of things, and I thought that I was gonna pee my pants so I told my bladder to, "Stop that! I like these pants!" AND all that. I didn't expect it to listen but it did. UHM that was probably a story you didn't need to hear.

Thank you for believing me. :) And I'm glad my dorkyness could make you laugh anyway. Geeze la petez, self.

Haha, it's okay! I uh probably just told you a lot of stuff you ~~and everyone reading this~~ didn't need to hear too. I say too much. About stuff. I just get excited easily I guess.

I'm trying not to be scared of things, either. I think I'm getting a bit better. I used not to be at all but then Chicago's all different.

Of course! I have no reason not to.

I get excited pretty easily too! And I say stuff before I think about what I'm saying so. I think we're two peas in the same pod here. Two embarrassed peas.

It took me a long time to not be scared of things, but it's hard to be scared of anything when you know death as well as I do and you feel it so many times. I don't know. Not a whole lot left to be scared of, but there's still a few things that can do it.

Very embarrassed, yes. Happy. But embarrassed.

I agree. If death doesn't bother you there's only so much that's scary. I guess things worse than death mostly. But I'm learning to see the good in everything. I have a sort of mentor who's helping me with that though.

And I guess you are right about what you said below. We should probably just talk in person sometime. I don't know if you can fill up a journal but it kind of looks a bit. Something. What you said, or didn't say.

Well, it's more like I use it both ways. But it doesn't make a difference. It's still an awkward thing to put on someone. I'm still learning social stuff, I think. People here are the first time I've really made a whole ton of friends! But I make mistakes a lot. Thankfully everyone's forgiving though.

Thanks for letting me know! I just wanted to be sure.

Haha, I know what you mean though. Your head and your heart don't always say the same. I try to follow my heart. I talk to myself too and my intuition talks back sometimes. But not usually my stomach or anything. You're right, that'd be weird.

OH! Huh. It might be just a lot to know at once like WOOSH. It's like uhm. Like overwhelming I guess? I guess that's why it takes people so long to get to know each other so well normally. Otherwise, you get all overwhelmed. It's okay! I still make mistakes and I've been living in this universe for seventeen years. But people here are pretty understanding. It's true. I only really made friends once I became an angel and became part of the supernatural community with all the wanderers and demons and other angels!

No problem. :)

Yes, exactly! I usually can't really listen to my head ever, but my head gets distracted by shiny things so it's not like I can trust its opinion. I have totally talked to my stomach before and my bladder but I don't like expect them to listen or anything. I'm just a dork.

I don't learn everything or anything, that would really be a lot! I don't think we're made for that. When I was dead I could feel and see everything but that was different because I didn't have to hold it all in me, there wasn't really a me to hold in. It's more like I just feel something about what makes them who they are deep inside. Hard to explain really. It's only happened to me twice.

I guess the supernatural community as you call it is just really nice! People keep saying Chicago's full of scary people and that's sort of true (oh hey, we actually got back to the topic of Cassie's entry, heh), but I just keep meeting nice people mostly. Maybe it is just that the community's great. Everyone's so different but we all pull together so strong.

It's okay! I think I'm a dork too. If it means what I think it means, anyway.

Oh, wow, that sounds really powerful and intense. I don't know that I'd be able to really understand it even if it was easy to explain, but yeah.

They are nice here! Not everywhere. It's very true that Chicago's full of scary people. I've seen them all over, but there are a lot more not-scary people. There is a whole lot of good too. It's what you have to remember. No matter how dark Chicago gets, and it gets really dark. There's always good out there too. :)

UM. I don't know how to explain what dork means. It's like... a nerd kinda? When you're like weird and silly and stuff.

It is. It really is. I, heh, kind of fell for both of those people so I guess it kind of shows what it's like to see that.

I do try and keep hold of that. It helps so much.

I think I am pretty weird and silly. Also I read books and study a lot. I think that's a nerd right? I sort of didn't use to speak this language but when I hear words and they're kind of like in my own I sort of get it. Depends how much they're the same. So basically, yes I think it's true. Hehe.

Thoughts/Notes on 'The Chicago Underground'. [locked against CLF]

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