ohstarryeyed | [Fic] I must confess that I feel like a monster.

Title: "I must confess that I feel like a monster.'

Characters: Cassie. Mentions of Kaden and Iris.
Notes: Cassie kinda realizes that maybe she is a monster inside. Lots of guilt and scary monsters. Triggery stuff...? Idek, I just saw the prompt, opened Word and wrote like crazy. :x
Prompt: 15.2.2 from

7s_prompts - see below.

It's scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls
It comes awake and I can't control it
Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

- Skillet, "Monster"

He called her a monster.

But was she? Really? Was she actually a monster? In the last month, there had been a shift deep inside her. Something had moved and although she wasn’t totally sure just what it was, she knew that is wasn’t good and Cassie wasn’t totally sure if she could put it back.

Cassie was a good girl; it wasn’t hard to see that. It didn’t matter if she was in London or Chicago – those who knew her saw her like that. The only heartaches in her life were the deaths of pets and the one break up with her long-term boyfriend. She’d loved him, but he hadn’t loved her. But she was lucky, she was loved. By her family and friends. She was supported and she appreciated it, never taking advantage.

She was selfless to a fault. She’d do anything for her friends and had all the time in the world for them. On the drunken nights out, she was the one who stayed relatively sober – she’d hold hair back as they vomited in dank club toilets. She would pull female friends close to stop creeps from making their move on them. And when they cried, Cassie would be the one with her hands firmly on their shoulders, ensuring everything was alright. Any problems, Cassie would be the first person to talk and no matter what time it was, she was always willing to listen. She was there, anytime, all the time.

And it wasn’t until she got to Chicago that somewhere in the back of her mind - she realised that she couldn’t be the same person. It just wouldn’t work out the same way.

Things would keep happening, like a domino effect, the walls inside came crashing down. She acted like she normally would have in this new world, refusing to believe that she couldn’t cope. But this place wasn’t London. Things weren’t going to go the same way. Things were too different. And no matter how she tried to stay the same, it just didn’t work. She just wasn’t prepared for it. Every disaster that Chicago threw at her chipped something away. And she became desperate and frustrated, wanting normality. The more she tried to stay the same, the more she suppressed herself and didn’t adapt to the new world – the more apparent it became that she couldn’t cope. The Blackout had proved that for one, anyway.

Cassie didn’t adapt, and because she didn’t – the feelings that she hated, the feelings that she didn’t want to be a part of her all came spilling out. Kaden had triggered it. She’d realised what he’d done to her and she could feel something twinge inside. How could he have done something like that? What had she ever done to deserve that? No. That was wrong, she didn’t deserve that. That should never have happened.

Then Iris was attacked and mutilated and Cassie had realised that she’d failed. Too busy consumed in her own grief and frustration, she felt like she’d neglected her responsibilities as a friend. She’d failed Iris.

She would lie awake at night and stare up at the ceiling. Lost, like a failure. And then... she would feel it. All those feelings. She couldn’t control it; she couldn’t keep it in any longer. Something dark and terrible came creeping out, rearing its ugly head: the horrible, disturbing thoughts of a nice girl. Rage.

It was slow at first, but after a while, it moved faster and more furious: crawling out from under her bed and reaching around the room. It would spill out her body, her head. A terrible anger that would claw at her sheets, climb the walls. It took form of monsters, things she’d never seen before. Wolves and banshees. Things with teeth and claws with huge backs; big black shadows. They would circle around the room and if she stayed perfectly still and didn’t blink – they’d scratch at the walls, tearing the plaster and leaving hideous marks: the scars of her psyche. She’d watch the silent monsters, shocked and terrified.

This is me. This is what I’m turning into.

Cassie would breathe in, the monsters closing in – ready to tear her to pieces. She’d shut her eyes tight and shriek into the night. And by the time she’d open her eyes again, there would be nothing there. Nothing on the outside, anyway. They’d still be clawing away at her on the inside.

But who could she talk to about it? How can someone talk about rage? About how she felt? Ashamed at herself for allowing such thoughts and feelings to control her, she’d stay silent. All the while, desperate for someone to take it all away from her. She wanted to be saved, because she knew she couldn’t save herself.

So, was she a monster?

She had to confess, she felt like it.

[Fic] I must confess that I feel like a monster.

Re: ooc

Re: ooc