ohstarryeyed | [Fic] I must confess that I feel like a monster.

Title: "I must confess that I feel like a monster.'

Characters: Cassie. Mentions of Kaden and Iris.
Notes: Cassie kinda realizes that maybe she is a monster inside. Lots of guilt and scary monsters. Triggery stuff...? Idek, I just saw the prompt, opened Word and wrote like crazy. :x
Prompt: 15.2.2 from

7s_prompts - see below.

It's scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls
It comes awake and I can't control it
Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

- Skillet, "Monster"

He called her a monster.

But was she? Really? Was she actually a monster? In the last month, there had been a shift deep inside her. Something had moved and although she wasn’t totally sure just what it was, she knew that is wasn’t good and Cassie wasn’t totally sure if she could put it back.

Cassie was a good girl; it wasn’t hard to see that. It didn’t matter if she was in London or Chicago – those who knew her saw her like that. The only heartaches in her life were the deaths of pets and the one break up with her long-term boyfriend. She’d loved him, but he hadn’t loved her. But she was lucky, she was loved. By her family and friends. She was supported and she appreciated it, never taking advantage.

She was selfless to a fault. She’d do anything for her friends and had all the time in the world for them. On the drunken nights out, she was the one who stayed relatively sober – she’d hold hair back as they vomited in dank club toilets. She would pull female friends close to stop creeps from making their move on them. And when they cried, Cassie would be the one with her hands firmly on their shoulders, ensuring everything was alright. Any problems, Cassie would be the first person to talk and no matter what time it was, she was always willing to listen. She was there, anytime, all the time.

And it wasn’t until she got to Chicago that somewhere in the back of her mind - she realised that she couldn’t be the same person. It just wouldn’t work out the same way.

Things would keep happening, like a domino effect, the walls inside came crashing down. She acted like she normally would have in this new world, refusing to believe that she couldn’t cope. But this place wasn’t London. Things weren’t going to go the same way. Things were too different. And no matter how she tried to stay the same, it just didn’t work. She just wasn’t prepared for it. Every disaster that Chicago threw at her chipped something away. And she became desperate and frustrated, wanting normality. The more she tried to stay the same, the more she suppressed herself and didn’t adapt to the new world – the more apparent it became that she couldn’t cope. The Blackout had proved that for one, anyway.

Cassie didn’t adapt, and because she didn’t – the feelings that she hated, the feelings that she didn’t want to be a part of her all came spilling out. Kaden had triggered it. She’d realised what he’d done to her and she could feel something twinge inside. How could he have done something like that? What had she ever done to deserve that? No. That was wrong, she didn’t deserve that. That should never have happened.

Then Iris was attacked and mutilated and Cassie had realised that she’d failed. Too busy consumed in her own grief and frustration, she felt like she’d neglected her responsibilities as a friend. She’d failed Iris.

She would lie awake at night and stare up at the ceiling. Lost, like a failure. And then... she would feel it. All those feelings. She couldn’t control it; she couldn’t keep it in any longer. Something dark and terrible came creeping out, rearing its ugly head: the horrible, disturbing thoughts of a nice girl. Rage.

It was slow at first, but after a while, it moved faster and more furious: crawling out from under her bed and reaching around the room. It would spill out her body, her head. A terrible anger that would claw at her sheets, climb the walls. It took form of monsters, things she’d never seen before. Wolves and banshees. Things with teeth and claws with huge backs; big black shadows. They would circle around the room and if she stayed perfectly still and didn’t blink – they’d scratch at the walls, tearing the plaster and leaving hideous marks: the scars of her psyche. She’d watch the silent monsters, shocked and terrified.

This is me. This is what I’m turning into.

Cassie would breathe in, the monsters closing in – ready to tear her to pieces. She’d shut her eyes tight and shriek into the night. And by the time she’d open her eyes again, there would be nothing there. Nothing on the outside, anyway. They’d still be clawing away at her on the inside.

But who could she talk to about it? How can someone talk about rage? About how she felt? Ashamed at herself for allowing such thoughts and feelings to control her, she’d stay silent. All the while, desperate for someone to take it all away from her. She wanted to be saved, because she knew she couldn’t save herself.

So, was she a monster?

She had to confess, she felt like it.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

fffff. Oh Cassie. You did not fail. :<

Speaking of Cassie!break, I was listening to this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ws4-ODeGuMk&feature=iv&annotation_id=annotation_493738) today and thinking that it's a very Cassie (and Iris) song right now. Particularly, the duet aspect of it, if you take the "positive" and "negative" parts of the song as being the same person.

Cassie feels like she has. waaaaugh ;___;

Also, still can't stop listening to that song! You're right about it! :D

Oh Cassie. ::hugs her tight::

This was beautifully written, but it makes me so sad for her.

bawwwww /clings to.

Thank you! <3333
Cassie is very breaky right now. She's gonna find out Robin's dead and Daniel's gone next week. Chicago just can't give her a break these days. :

Well, I know Parker isn't very...normal but she'll be around if Cassie needs a break. And of course Nellie will be a friend and back to normal and she will offer to hang out.

It's GOOD Aaron isn't here, because he might take advantage of her neediness ::shifty eyes::

Bawww, Parker. You are all the awesome. Nellie and Cassie should go out drinking. Or bake? :D :D

Also... was kinda thinking. If Cassie's still like this when Aaron comes in, they could make some sort of... arrangement? Aaron doesn't like relationships? Cassie just wants an emotional release? Just saying. :D?

D'awww baking!! Yes! And drinking.

Ooooh. Aaron is all for arrangements. But he will bail if any emotions start. And he might be a jerk to her for no reason, because...he's like that. I don't know. I still have to work out him/vs. angel him in my head. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with it.

But yes, that could be very interesting. As guilty as I will feel.

Yaaaay! :D :D!

Casual friends with benefits? xD

Cassie will try not to get emotional with it all. She'll tryyyy, honest. She's just got a lot of angry she needs to get rid of. Poor girl just needs to get some, really. :\

Bawww, sadness. Hope you do manage to work it all out eventually! <3

Pfft, I like doing bad stuff to my characters. :D

Casual friends with benefits is a yes. Because as soon as he arrives he will hit on every girl here.

Awwww, Cassieeee. Well, he will help in his way. And she can take her anger out on him :[

Thank you! I might....message you sometime for help.

Lmfaooo, oh Aaron. <3

I SEE THIS AS AN AWESOME THING. As bad as it probably sounds, it probably might do her a lot of good in the long run. :D

And one day, SHE CAN BE HAPPY AGAIN!

Sure, I'll help out as much as I can! :)

He's special, he is.

ME TOO! And awwww. Really, he's not as bad as he tried to be. Deep, deep down, under all the pain, he has a good heart. He just doesn't like to believe it.

That would be WONDERFUL.

Sweeeeet. Because I really do want to app him. Though in the future he might get more drama and angst if his half-sister shows up like Emily wants. Because he doesn't know she exists.

Shhhh! Don't let Cassie know that, or she will definitely get attached. :x She has a thing for trying to help those who might appear to be broken, but are actually good inside. :\

Oooh, dum dum dum! Sounds super interesting! WE LIKES DRAMA AND ANGST. IT WOULDN'T BE CHICAGO WITHOUT IT! :D!

He would fight her on it. And try to emotionally hurt her to push her off of it. He doesn't talk about things, ever.

Haha, I didn't even know he had a half-sister until I was told she wanted to exist. WELL AARON WILL FIT IN WELL HERE!

She'll argue right back. She's stubborn when it comes to arguing, so she'll not want to back down so easy. Although if he says something pretty bad... well. :\

Do not make her hit you, Aaron. And break her hand again. :\

There's only so many times she can use her 'Angel of the Lord Healing' card. skjfh XDDD

YAY! \o/

He won't argue much. Just act like a total asshole and make her want to walk off. And I accept anything that happens to him for his actions, it's okay.

Hahaha, he likes pain. He'll teach her how to hit the right way.

Dude, Nellie will want to kick some Aaron ass. Just sayin'.

She'll just glare at him, stubborn Cassie is stubborn, yo.

Lmfao, Aaron. That would be awesome! Cassie is kinda looking for someone to teach her how to punch right. She fails so hard. xD And then I would say he'd regret doing it - but he likes pain, apparently. xDD

Bawwww, yay Nellie! :D /scritches her <3

Stubborn is good! He's hella stubborn.

He'd probably laugh at her in the process. And yeah, he does like pain. (He thinks he doesn't deserve anything else)

Nellie: ::protects Cassie, yo::

Totally not on here in class...

Cassie won't appreciate that. She linefaces at your laughing, Aaron. But still, bawww, poor Aaron. She'll end up feeling sorry for him. :/

This'll be a messed up relationship, yo. :/

Cassie: /all the hugs for Nellie

...I won't tell.

He just grins a cute grin.

Hey, no relationship Aaron has isn't messed up.

:DDDD Blackberry's are amazing :>

She's TOTALLY NOT LOOKING at that smile. Not at all. :|

Again, bawwwww poor Aaron /scritches

So I've heard!

Ahahaha, of course not!

Bawww, Cassie! :/ *super lung-popping squeeze hug* Dude. Pretty piece. But poor poor girl.

I knooow ;___;

baww, thank you! <3

[Fic] I must confess that I feel like a monster.

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